Heart on Fire

I swear sometimes i should really check the mail box earlier. I got my letter from school today and ripped it open and...I GOT ACCEPTED, so its official starting January 23 I'll be attending the Academy of Broadcasting. I'm so excited heheheh :)

I'm pretty excited i got a call back from the Academy of Broadcasting the other day. So yesterday i went for the tests and did really well so my application form was sent off. One of the teachers actually said i have great potential so I'm hopeful that I'll get accepted, keeping my fingers crossed :). Finally i feel like my life is starting to turn around, sadly still looking for a damn job though, oh well...

You read books and watch movies that speak of love like its so wonderful and with it you can over come anything like space and time. That there is someone out there for everyone, that when two hearts are destined to be together they will find their way back to each other. Can you imagine a love like that? one that is so powerful and true that it makes every dream and sorrow worth it, that no matter what you can concur all. Can you imagine that there is a person out there that you are meant to be with? That even when you die and your soul is reborn in the next life you will find each other once more even though you may not know it right from the start. Wouldn't that be wonderful if love was like that in real life ( i know i sure do). Jane Austen fell in love with a man with whom she could not be with because of his family's status, not enough money to support her in life. Jane never got married, she loved one man all her life. I can bet she never for one second forgot about him and you can see that through her books. For those who have watched Little House On The Prairies and loved Marry and Adam sorry to disappoint you but the real Marry never did get married, there was no Adam Kendell. But the one big love story in that show was Laura and Almonzo, their love store is one to remember. Hardships, age difference, lose of children, failed crops and illnesses, yet through all of it their love prevailed until their last days together.  Even though Hollywood or authors may make love grander then it truly is don't give up faith on your happily every after. You may have to weed out plenty of guys to find the right one, go through heartache and hard times but there is a happy ending for everyone out there whether or not its with someone......live life to the fullest, have no regrets, and love as much as you can even when it seems hopeless. It's never wrong to love someone even if it doesn't work out because at least you gave it your all...

So my life has completely turned a 180 in the last couple of weeks its nuts...its hard to swallow all the changes that have happened. I finally gave my two weeks notice for my crappy ass job, now on the hunt for a new one with not much luck sadly ( thank god I've got money in my savings). I finally decided to register for school pretty excited yet uber nervous, hopping for the best and hopefully i don't totally suck at broadcasting. Just found out that my grandpa might have cancer so I'm freaking out a little bit, hope after all the tests are done that it comes back negative ugh :(... I guess all the crap and bullshit that's gone down this month toughened me up enough to stop being so afraid and to let go of all the stress and bullshit from people in my life. I'm just so glad i don't have a gaping hole in my chest nore have i cried once since all went to hell..guess I'm just so immune to it now it cant really affect me like it used to, and probably cuz i know it was gonna happen sooner or later, maybe not hear the shit that it did but i know it was bound to happen. Maybe its cuz for the first time i wasn't the one that went back that i knew it was all fake and that none of it was real. i mean come on it didn't take a genius to figure out that i was being used and that i didn't really matter ( never have mattered) to them so w.e in all reality its not my lose. I mean duh it hurt to hear that shit cuz i had felt everything i had said but not enough to destroy me like he was hopping for ( I'm so sorry, NOT). i mean ya clearly there is so much id like to have said but what would have been the point, i got the closure I've been needing for almost three years. Love is a very complicated thing, like someone once said " it sucks when the person you love doesn't love you back" and a very amazing artist once said " sometimes it last in love, but sometimes it hurts instead". life moves on, no more looking to the past, now its time to look at the future :). At least i can say thanks to the asshole i made a great friend so i guess that means i cant totally regret  meeting him, as she has said " everything happens for a reason ".  Time to follow a new path...

Getting lost in my music is my one true joy in life. I love the pounding of the beat in my ear drums. I could close my eyes and lose my self in the splendor of it. It's like the music surrounds me in a bubble of pure peace and calm. It feels me up with hope, that there isn't a reason to doubt, it gives me energy when I feel dead, brings me back to life when I feel like I want to give up on everything. It gives me this sense of power, like I could concur this world, that I'm capable of doing anything. Music fits my every mood from sad, to happy and excited to lazy and Hindi. Music has such power on this world that's why it's one of the oldest ways to communicate and celebrate. The world would be dole and lifeless without the power of inspiration music gives to the world. It speaks volume to so many people, singers sing from their heart and soul. Giving hope to people everywhere, every human being has at least one song they can connect to. Music gives people a voice to stand up for what they believe in, the courage to make a difference at time through song. Lady gaga's new single is about accepting ones self and forget what other people think, to not judge others and believe in your self no matter what is going on.

I've been living the past month with a wall surrounding my heart because I didn't want to feel pain or sadness. I've been wanting to feel alive and not dead inside. I've been doing a pretty good job at it not going to lie, i've been having the time of my life with my friends and the night staff at work. I've laughed more then I ever have, but deep down i knew that sooner or later the wall would break away because i've felt it give away for the last couple of days..I hate it the stupid dreams came back and its really starting to piss me off, im not even thinking about that shit but BAM it hits me like a truck all over again, my heart feels heavy. I've been flirting with guys and there was even a guy who wants to go out with me but i dont trust anyone. My heart feels so closed off from the world. And this guy seems like such a sweetheart too and ugh what the hell is wrong with me fuck I hate my self right now its not even funny. Its so easy to flirt with someone when you feel nothing for them, it feels like they are missing something...idk anymore....fuck

Ugh seriously sorry i haven't blogged in a week, my head has been all over the place lately sorry :(. I've had so much I've been wanting to blog but just didn't know how to put it down in words and I've had other reasons for not coming on here....So I've been super busy with work, my shifts are so messed up right now and the other day I had to work a 11 hour shift because some people i work with are to fucken lazy to learn how to do their goddamn job so i had to be woken up which by the way totally sucked because it was the first time in what three Weeks that I've been able to sleep...I've been working my ass off in a zombie state of mind thanks to ZERO amount of sleep thanks to stupid dreams i'd rather not have about fucken people that should clearly be out of my goddamn mind by now but nope my subconsciousness apparently hates me at night thanks alot brain..I swear though if its not stupid retarded dreams that are keeping me up its stupid guys calling me at six in the damn morning like really why..What ever i'm just hoping as the weeks go by my brain will forget the past forever and i'll be able to sleep again and not have any sorta pain in my chest even though it hasnt really surfaced which is awesome i must say im being much stronger then I thought i would be :) go me hehehehe. I just wish i could figure out how to stop following a blog ugh ive been trying for weeks to figure it out, i bet that person thinks im a creeper or some shit hahha the funny thing is i dont wanna see the crap anymore because its gonna bring me nothing in the end right :P. So as an awesome distraction i've gotten into my anime again lol im hooked again which is ok with me because i kinda missed it so ya, ive been doing a lot of reading and crap and now so disappointed with it because they brought my fav character back from the dead which is awesome but not at the same time because now hes being controlled and is make of clay :( so cant wait to see how the story is going to unfold. What else have i been up to well then let me think....hmmmmmmmmmmm OH monday me and my bestie went to the mall to go and get Lady GaGa's new cd which rocks by the way so bought the extended edition heheheh. Then we left HMV satisfied we went to movies to watch the new Pirates movie which was ok still not as good as the first two though. Oh and now I have a new phone and number which im so effing happy about YAY i finally got my blackbarry and its a nice dark purple to ugh i love my phone its my baby lol :P now i wont have stupid people calling me at six anymore :).But so far i think thats really all i have to say at the moment im kinda tired and ya anyways people or the one person i think reads this sorry and hope to have to write soon....love you all xoxoxoxoox

Thank god this rain has finally stopped and the sun is finally coming out. Enough with the emo weather i swear Winnipeg weather is bi-polar lol :P. I swear I'm in the best mood ever lately, work is finally going good. I'm having fun being a key holder and the night staff is awesome, having good times and laughing my ass off with these crazy ass kids :P. My bestie is effing amazing i swear i love her to death i don't know what i would do with out her in my life she is my rock :). For my two days off i walked my puppy and went over to her place and had a girls night. Brought a chick flick and popcorn and just chilled until she started to pass out hahaha. Then today we took a long ass walk and took my puppy to the vet to book a appointment and then went to the liquored mart cuz I've been dying for my drink lol. Met some pretty awesome people on my way home, all of which had dogs. I swear people who have dogs or any pet for that matter is way friendlier or maybe I'm just starting to open my eyes to the world and letting my self go free. This one guy let his dog come play with Shadow for a bit, he was so sweet and told me hes been biking for miles with his dog and ya he was pretty cool then he offered Shadow a drink which was good cuz my poor boy was thirsty. Then all three of us ( me, shadow and my bestie) walked home. Then vacated to sun room once home and chilled with my bestie and talked and drank some booze lol. I probably should have drank so fast lol got a buzz but it was a nice feeling. Opened my eyes to so much stuff. Life isn't so bad once you open up and see what you have, that's what i finally did and i believe that there is something amazing waiting out there for me and i will find it :) life is wonderful and its time to stop looking at in a negative way. I'm happy to have what i have, enough being sad over stuff i don't, i never gets anyone anywhere in life. I'm so fricking happy that I'm blasting music while i shower and sing my heart out and dance like crazy. I'm 21 its time to start living my life instead of living it through someone else....... Thank you to everyone who hasn't given up on me and stayed by my side no matter what i love you all :) xoxoxoxoxoxo

Letting go of someone who meant the world to you is really tough. It feels like you're splitting your self in half and leaving the other half with them. Thats how i'm feeling right now, i feel only half here, i feel weird and empty. It almost feels like im standing in a crowed naked, exposed to the emptiness i feel now that your gone. I know that walking aways for good this time is the best thing for both me and him but why does it feel so wrong then. I mean now that i cut him from my life completely i feel a bit better, a weight has been lifter off of me but still its strange. We used to text and cam and talk almost every day and now all there is is silence. I'll never see him or talk to him again, because i refuse to chase after someone who doesnt want me to. I want to be cared about, showered with love and thought of, i want to mean the world to someone. That no matter what happens that person will be there for me and I for them. I've gotten tired of being there for them and have them use me, i dont need that especially from someone i cared about so much. I had to say this but i want him to suffer this kind of pain and i know he is right now, now you know what its like to worry about someone other then your self and miss them so much that it kills you inside everyday, to love them to no end to feel helpless that you can't be there for them. I know how it feels like but he never understood exactly how i felt nor did he care. I loved him with no end, a part of me always will love him even if hes an asshole. He was never good for me but there was just something about him that made me want to stay and help him in life but enough is enough. It's time to let things go an move on, let him destroy his life, i wont sit there and watch it unfold any longer. He has people now in his life again that will stay there for him and thats good but i just wont be one of them....If he wants me in his life he knows how to reach me but i wont hold my breath he was never one to chase after me so.....i'm letting go.......

Looking through a lens you can see a whole different world then the one around you. Its like you found a way to escape and go into a magical world of bright lights and colors, where life can be captured in a blink of an eye..Where dreams are possible and change can happen. People capture the most amazing pictures i have ever seen, someone of them are so breath taking that you have to catch your breath. Looking at a photo of a starving child makes you see what life is like and you can almost feel their pain and suffering. The length some of these photographers go just to show the world what its like in different countries, what other people are going through is amazing, they risk their life just to say "hey look at this please help to change it". Looking at a photo of loves makes you feel the power of the love they share. Seeing someone smiling and being happy makes you feel joy inside and think that tomorrow will be a better day you just have to believe it..A picture is really worth a thousand words, it has the power to change the way people see things. Just looking at a picture of someone you miss sometimes helps you know you aren't alone that no matter what there is someone out there that cares about you...One picture can change the world,I want to be one of those people one day who will bring a smile to someones face and change how people see things thought my photos i take. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to capture the beauty of this planet and share it with the world....

Life is always so complicated and uncontrollable but that's life right? There isn't much you can do to change it or make things different....If you where to walk in the shoes of someone else for a day you would feel their pain, go through their struggles in life no matter how big or small they may be...Everyone in this world has their own problems even if others think they aren't a big deal, but to the person who is going through it, it might feel like the end of the world. Every living being handles life differently, some drink to escape, some do drugs to numb them selves from reality, some cut them selves to feel the sting of that pain then the one they feel every moment and some just can't deal and end their lives..You could walk down the street and see a girl dressed in black with heavy make-up and judge her for what she looks like, but the thing is you don't know whats shes going through in life. You don't know if shes being beaten at home, raped, teased at school or has lost a loved one. You can judge people for what you see on the outside but you fail to see what that person you are looking at is going through in life..You may see a pretty skinny girl on the street and envy her for her looks but what you don't see is a girl who fights with an eating disorder and struggles to keep a grip on reality...Everyone in this life has a different way of seeing the world and the things around them so one day stop and think before you judge someone because you never know what that person is going through....Everyone is unique and different and they deserved to be loved no matter what....You should never lose faith in people because sometimes you might meet someone who will change your life forever and change the way you see your world and help you in more ways then one...They might actually save your life and you wont even realise it :)....xoxoxxoox So the next time before you judge someone get to know them and see what they are about :)

Ahhhh i can finally breath again...I feel like a bird who had lost their wings and was weight down by pain...No more i feel no more pain i have washed away my demon, I have found my wings once again and it's about time i start to fly. Time for me to live my life for me and stop stopping my self for something that isn't even worth it.....Time to sore high into the unknown because who knows whats waiting for me in the big unknown. This life is full of crap and people do stupid shit but its time to turn my life around and believe in a better tomorrow :. Cuz i know there is something wonderful waiting out there from me i just got to find it :)....xoxoxoxo love you all :)

I am not a fool for falling in love with someone i know is no good for me. I am not foolish for loving him more then he'd ever love me. So please people fuck off and leave me alone im not in the mood to hear your words right now. I dont want to listen to you telling me im stupid and naive for trusting him after our history. I dont need this shit from you guys right now. I want to be left alone and be lost in my thoughts.I don't want to hear i told you so that this was going to happen to me. I dont want you to pity me for my choices in life. Im sorry world that when i care about someone i cant just cast off my feelings like most people can. I know i have a problem letting go of things and people. If someone had impacted my life its hard for me to forget it and move on. Im not a guy i cant just wish away my feeling and forget shit cuz believe me i wish i had that talent. I wish i could be a heartless bitch and block people from getting in because maybe i wouldnt be this way. Hopeless and a mess, i gave him to much control over me and that was my mistake, ii shouldnt have let him in again and keep hoping he would change....He lied to me when he had the chance to tell me the truth....Its too late now no matter what he says i will never trust him again, he's sorrys mean nothing to me anymore because ive heard them all before but he keeps doing the same shit over and over again.....Im not some toy of yours that you can play around with, im a human being, i have a heart, i have feelings if you hadn't noticed. I feel pain just like everyone else, im not heartless or cold, i feel , im not just someone you made up. I breath and walk and talk, im alive, i go on every day living just like you do. Im not a puppet that you can pull on my strings when ever you feel the need to. If i was important to you even as just a friend you should have been honest with me from the start instead of telling me the things you did..Fuck.....

I can't breath, my body is shaking and i just can't stop it. my heart races and feels like something is ripping at it with claws. My eyes burn red with tears swelling behind them. i'm a mess and i can't control my self. I feel like i wanna die just to escape this pain in my chest, i know thats horrible to say but i can't help it. I want someone to rip my heart out of me now...i'm having problems just trying to type cuz my tears are making my vision blurry. I can't even walk with out my legs giving out on me and wanting to crawl in a ball and never get up. I've felt this pain before but this time its so much worse. I can't even explain it properly..My head hurts from the water works that are happening in my eyes..Does love even exists or is it something we just dream up cuz i don't know anymore. I give up on it, its not worth feeling this way, feeling so empty inside that you wish you where dead for real instead of this empty vessel that everyone sees....I want this to go away, i dont want to feel this anymore...I wish you would have told me right from the start instead of hiding it and making me believe you where in love with me..........i want to sleep but im scared ill dream of stuff id rather not....but secretly i hope  when i fall asleep that i wont have to wake up. that i can be lost in my dream no matter what it is just so i dont have to wake to the pain i know will still be waiting for me the moment i open my eyes.....i wanna lock my self in the darkness of my room and be lost in thought until i get better and just leave everything and everyone behind for a bit.....I have no escape, no freedom from this curse i brought onto my self.....i guess this is what i had asked from when i fell for him....
TEARS ARE THE WORDS MY HEART USES TO EXPLAIN WHEN MY FAKE SMILE CAN'T COVER UP MY PAIN, I"M TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO CRY OVER YOU BECAUSE EVERY TEAR IS JUST A REMINDER OF HOW MUCH I CAN'T LET GO.
you feel so much pain. you can't help your self you feel like no one cares. you feel like you don't deserve anything. you cry at night thinking why this is happening to you, why you need to do this to yourself you may not cut your self but in your head you are. you hate the fact you think about the past of what have happened. this is what you feel. keep your head up. thats what i try to do

This song totally goes with how i feel and shit. I love this song :)

i'm so tired of feeling this way, so empty inside, like i dont have a reason be here anymore. If things end bad then what? what am i supposed to do then? nothing will happen and i'll feel even worse then i do now. i hate this, i hate crying over the same shit all the time. I won't see anyone else because of my hope that lingers. Why i have some that lingers i dont know, maybe it because of all the things he says...but then again he changes what he says everyday. im making my self sick with worry and missing him. im getting so itchy to go, but for what? what will i get if i go there? more pain more unanswered questions? more responses like " you dont know what the future holds". im so lost and i really dont know what to think or do anymore....Is he really worth all of this? is he gonna stay like he says he is? does he really care about me and love me like he says? i dont really know and i hate it....

Im horrible i haven't blogged in days sorry :( been kinda busy with crap and ya too much on my mind lately to even put it in words that make sense. Hmm lets see whats new well..I've tried to get a hold of my uncle so i can get some info about places in T.O cuz i wanna go on a trip and get out of shittypeg and relax for a bit and breath. I need a break from everyone here and my job i need to de stress. Ive been freaking out cuz its been a week and my uncle still hadn't answered me and i was getting pissed but finally today i got a message from him wooohoo :). Now im hoping he will get back to me soon so that i can book stuff and get the hell out of here in July for a few days. I need to go have a chat with someone about shit thats stressing me and hopefully have a kick ass time with him too :P and make him happy and entertained while im there :P. What else is new? well tomorrow i start physio for my shoulders which im looking forward too cuz i dont want this stupid pain anymore i need sleep and im not getting much because of it ugh..Hmm well he who shall not be named finally got a phone teheheh so now i get to talk to him which is so effing nice. I missed talking to him on the phone even though hes always picking on me asshole :P been staying up late talking to him lol zombie like in the morning but thats ok its worth it in the end i think :P. I really need to see him and ugh ya..My dad is home and driving me nuts that i wanna jump off a bridge i swear lol ( k i really wouldnt jump of a bridge but you know what i mean)....Super pissed about Harper winning like WTF is wrong with Canada like really people do you want to end up like the States like come one fuck ugh people are so stupid never learning from their own damn mistakes Jesus....On top of that im worried for he who shall not me named for the crap he has to do tomorrow ugh really i wish it would all go away for him and his life could get back to normal and he could be somewhat happy again like fuck sakes why can't the world just let him be geez. I hope it goes well tomorrow and everything is fine...guess ill have to wait for his text to see ugh i love him and hate seeing him this way it makes me wanna punch someone in the face fuck ugh but ya thats all for now....

Have you ever sat down and just thought to your self you felt out of place like you lived in the wrong time period, the wrong century? I have, i wish you could turn back time and live in a different time just to see how it was back then and see if it was better then how the world is now. Id love to go to a time where men looked like men, they wore top hats, open doors for you and wrote you letters. When men had to court you and show you respect, when they had to ask your father for your hand in marriage. It be a nice change from the guy that show no respect for girls anymore. Some guys you can't even tell if they are a guy or not, the one good thing about the new days is that gays are accepted more now and back in the day they weren't, they where shunned or even killed, many had to hid it and marry a women and pretend to be happy and thats no way to live a life. It would be nice to be back in a time when family meant something, when mom's stayed home and fathers came home after work and spent time with the family after a long day. When families would take vacations together or simply go out together...those days are long dead, i dont remember the last time all the family has been together, heck i don't talk to half of my family because they are just to busy and don't give a shit about us...It would be nice to see a time when pictures where in black and white and poor people where happy even if they didnt have what everyone else did. When it wasn't all about money and material things, where computers didn't exists and you had to write a letter to get a message to someone. A time when you got all dressed up to go to a ball and flirt and have fun, not go to clubs and look like sluts and hook up with just about anyone. A time when people got together and had fun, a time when you wanted to listen to music you either had to play and instrument or use a Berliner Gramophone to play music. I can picture in my head how it must have been to dress up in a dress everyday and feel free and fancy...It seems like such a magical time one that should come back but sadly technology has ruined this world, people are greedy now and just don't care anymore....

I feel so out of place, like there is no room for me in this world. I feel lost and confused as to what I'm here for. People say to me I'm important to them, that I matter. Then why is it I never feel like I do matter. You open up to people and tell then how you feel hoping they will feel the same way about you. You tell someone you love them and that they mean the world to you, yet when they say it back you feel empty inside. I don't think you should feel empty when it's said to you, a person should feel a warm heat pass through their body, an overwhelming sensation of love and happiness. Then someone please explain to me why I feel so dead inside when I'm told he loves me and that I matter to him? Why do I feel the need to run away from him and never look back. Block him from my life for good. My mind is screaming at me to see something that isn't there. Maybe he was right, maybe my mind is clouded by my feelings for him. Maybe I'm too lost in a fantasy that will never happen. Maybe I'm so lost in the picture he painted in my head that I can't see who he really is. My world crashes down on me every time he says he has nobody, that everyone he cared about is gone. My voice wants to scream out to him what about me, don't you see me, can't you see I'm still here and I still care. I've always been here why can't you see that. Your boo isn't the only one that you had in your life, I'm here, I mean I know I can't be there beside you and make you happy. I just wish you could acknowledge the fact I do exists, that I haven't left your life even if everyone else you know has. I wanna be happy in life and not feel dead anymore. I wish he could have what he wants in life and decide what he wants from me...I'm here yes but I know he needs someone over there and I'm not and probably never will be so let me go then, be with the one you want right now.

We all have hopes, dreams and fantasies. We all hope that one day our lives will change, get better that our dreams will come true. When we where little our parents would read to use about lands far away about magical worlds of creatures we could only dream of. They would tell little girls that one day when we would grow up we'd meet our prince charming, that he would sweep us of our feet and live happily ever after. That monsters didn't really live under our beds they only lived in our imagination. Our best friends when we were little where imaginary, made up to not make us feel so lonely in ours solitude. The thing they failed to mention to us is that when we grow up life isn't all fairy tales. It's tough and sad at times and that not everything has a happy ending to it. People die and leave your side. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, your heart will get broken many times. You will cry over people who are gone and left you alone. You will have to fight to keep going when you feel like you have nothing left to live for. Life is ruff and that's a fact but even if your life is hard now things might look up in the future. It might take a while to see any good but it's out there waiting for you to find it, and when you do whether it be a new job, new adventure or someone has walked into you life and changed how you feel you will be happy. Just hold on for a bit and just maybe you will have your own kind a fairy tale even if it was an imperfect one :)

Can you close your eyes and picture exactly how the best day of your life was like and remember ever detail that if you painted a picture of it, it be so vibrant and tangible you'd feel like you could step right through it and go back to that day. I remember mine so very well that my friends all say i could right a book thats how well i remember it..It was February of last year, my mom bought me a plane ticket to Toronto to go see the King Tut exhibition they where having. My uncle decide to put me up in a hotel downtown so i'd be close to everything and that way he wouldn't have to put up with me at his place lol. It was my last day in Toronto and it was snowing woohoo on my last day of all days right :(, anyways my uncle asked me if i wanted to go for lunch before he had to go to work so i met up with him at Starbucks across the street from my hotel. We decide to go eat lunch at the restaurant in the Eton Center. While we ate lunch he kept asking me what time i was going to see my friend Steve, so i kept texting him to ask when he was going to meet up with me so my uncle would leave me the hell alone lol but i think i was getting on Steve's nerves lol my bad..So after we finished eating my uncle left for work and I decided to walk around the mall for a bit but got bored and i was sleepy so walked back to my hotel after it took me a while to find my way back frick i couldnt see anything in front of me thanks to the stupid snow...When i got back to my hotel i tried to pass out for a bit but i was so restless and i dont know why..I was just chilling in bed when my phone buzzed and i jumped at it. He texed to tell me he was on his way and my heart just started racing and i was thinking to my self ugh why am i getting excited im supposed to be mad at him. So i jumped out of bed put on my fav pair of jeans the ones i thought my ass looked hot in lol , did my hair and my make up yet again and tried to make my self look so pretty ugh :P He text to let me know he wasnt far away so i told him to meet me in the lobby, so i took the elevator and waited for him to show up...The moment i saw him crossing the street my heart stopped and my breath caught in my throat, i was like to my self i am so FUCKED...He crosses the street and pulls out his phone to text me to let me know hes here but lol i was already outside by the time he sent it :P surprise :P He just gave a look that said well that was fast. God he looked so good even in person ugh lol. So we decided to go to the movies, which i had to remember what way to go cuz he had no idea lol. Ofcourse it had to be super slushy and slippery that night right, so ofcourse i fell on my ass right in front of him, man did i wanna die right then and there:(, im just so glad he did not laugh at me. The whole way to the theater i had to keep grabbing on to him so i wouldnt fall,which i was totally ok with lol it was a good excuse to be close to him :P. When we finally made it in one peice to the movies, he was so sweet and opened the door for me which i'm so not used too. We decided to see the Wolfman cuz that was pretty much the only movie I hadn't seen yet. So he bought hes ticket and im just standing in line like an idiot while he starts walking towards the escalators lol, he turned around and says to me "what are you doing arent you coming?" and i'm like "umm I have to buy my ticket..." he's like "I have your ticket right here". im like dang surprised my face didnt turn red :P. So when i make it to the escalator with him i'm holding on to the railing for dear life cuz i hate heights, ofcourse he was getting a good laugh out of it. We where both hungry so we got New York fries to eat, even though i was kinda nervous so i didnt really want to eat even though my tummy was telling me too. So we went to sit on a bench like couch to eat and him being him forgot stupid napkins and he was making a mess with his poutin :P so i got off my ass to get him some:P. It was so funny cuz we where just talking when i turned to him and said " your computer self sucks just so you know, you in person is way better" :P im too honest with him i swear.....Finally we could go to our seats and man was it dead in there. We sat in the top row and talked through out the whole fricken movie, while in my head i was like god i wanna kiss him so badly right now ugh but no i can't we are just friends frick ugh lol :p. This one part of the movie made me jump ugh i felt so silly, he just sat there giggling at me lol fricken jerk:P. When the movie was done i had to pee so bad so i gave him my drink to hold onto while i went to the washroom. After i was done we left and i told him i was going to break my mothers rule and invite him into my hotel room lol, we had no where else to go cuz everything was closed and our feet where soaked. My crappy ass cheap boots and his shoes with holes in them :p. So when we got to the hotel i called my mom to let her know i was safe and that things went well and that he left tehehe but that so wasnt true cuz he was right beside me :P, im horrible i know. I told him to keep quite while i was on the phone and i tried so hard not to laugh :P. After the call we just sat there all awkward and quite then i said to him " you didnt give me my hug like you said you would lol" and he's" neither did you" so he gave me side hug cuz he was sitting down lol, in my head i was like YAY :P. We chatted and had a pillow fight teheheh and then i hid under the covers cuz im cool like that lol. After all the silliness and his shyness which was so cute :), we layed down and he started to play with my ring and i was like " what are you doing? you having fun playing with my ring" he smiles at me and say's " well i need and excuse to hold your hand" insta red i tell you...I looked at him and i was like " i wanna kiss you" and he's like "go for it" so i did i kissed him, god did it felt so good to. I just laid there with him for a bit but was starting to dose off so i told him i had to get up early cuz my plane comes at 6 am and it was already 2am so ya. He got dressed and i hugged the crap out of him, i just didnt wanna let go of him. Not even 10 minutes after he left the fire alarm went off in the hotel so i had to run and through some clothing on cuz all i was wearing was a t-shirt lol. I had to run down 23 flights of stairs that was so not fun. When i got outside i called him 6 times before he picked up and asked him if he was far from the hotel and he said no and i told him what happened, he asked me if i wanted him to come back and i said only if he wanted to and he said i didnt want to leave in the first place (aww right :). So i waited in the lobby for him to get there. I was so happy yo see him lol even though i was pretty shaken up about the whole thing. When we got back to the room we just crashed on the bed, and discovered that the white sheets wherent so white anymore lol..His stupid rodgers shit was staining the bedding hahah, so i had to put down my purple blanked on top so he could laid down on it:P. Then we both programed our phones to go off at the same time so i could get ready to leave in a few hours. After awhile i was freezing so i let him go and went under the covers, he didnt like that lol so i told him well he could just get rid of the problem then he could join me lol but ofcourse i didnt wanna tell him to take off his shirt so he kept kissing me until i would so i told him and he was like was that so hard and then took it off lol me being me didnt even look at him lol. Then he crawled in beside me and yanked me onto of him. God i was so comfy, he was so soft and it was nice to listen to his heart beating while i tried to sleep. He kept putting his chine down so i would lift my head and he's kiss me teheheh. When the alarms went off i didnt wanna get out of bed but sadly i had too :(, i didnt have time to shower i felt so gross and tired so i through my hair into a ponytail and called it a day. The part that was going to be interesting was going down in the morning with Steve beside me to meet my uncle in front of the hotel. Let me tell you it was so awkward, they shook

hands and then i hugged him for like the tenth billionth time and then my uncle took off to the car with my bags so i turned to Steve and planted one on him :P.....there is so much more to this story but its so hard to but it all down in words....That was the best day of my life, i wish i could have that night every night, that night i fell more in love with him then i already was. I never though i could have met someone who could mean so much to me that id do anything for them. He frustrates me to no end, pisses me off, makes me wanna beat his head in half the time, but i wouldnt trade him in for any other guy. I love him no matter what happens in the future whether we are together or not, hes like first true love and even if i meet someone else they will never be him. A part of me will always love him no matter what life brings us....I LOVE YOU.......................

SO last night my girls came over to get ready to go out for my birthday, it was some real fun :p my hair was being so stupid megz couldnt get it to work for her so i ended up giving up and just straighting the stupid crap. It took us forever to get ready to leave plus i wasnt helping cuz i was on the comp lol. Our original plan was to be at the pub by 8 or so but nope lol we got there at 9:30, we are slow as hell to get ready:P. I swear when we got there and the way we where acting you would have thought we pr gamed or something, thats just how fucked up all three of us are :P. The moment the waitress came around it was all shots one right after another, probably not such a good idea but fuck did i feel good :P. I think i drank a littl bit more just cuz i was feeling like crap cuz i started shit yet again with he who shall not be name ugh. But anyways this other waitress came around to give us free beer and im not a beer fan but heck why not its free and i knew if i didnt drink it one of my besties would. She got so hammered it was so funny at one point during the night she was so gone that she took her drink and her straw and shoved the straw up her nose and snorted it up her nose hahahahah god her face was priceless :P. After awhile though me and her left to go get fresh air cuz she started to have a bit of a melt down so i took her out side too cool her off a bit. I just sat there and listened to her and tried to tell her that no matter what has ever gone down between us in the past 11 years i put behind me the past is the past and i know its hard for her to trust and show how she feel and i understand that and i wouldnt abandon her for anything, it just hit home listening to her though cuz its like i was listening to he who shall not be named, and what he must feel and think and i felt like shit. i drank more after that, and when we got home i sent him like a billion messages on msn and one on fb, i think hes still mad at me and i hate it, i fuck things up so much, its not all his fault all this crap happened maybe if i was a little more understanding then it wouldnt have been so messed up. My friends passed out but i just couldnt sleep my mind was spinning and hurt like a bitch and i was just thinking too much, i was so pathetic that last night i turned on my ipad and passed out to him picture on it, i just couldnt delete them off of it. I woke up at six and just started crying and feeling like shit...ugh but ya then my girls woke up and we talked and had some more good laughs and then they left and i passed out cuz it felt like i had a hammer in my head :P but ya that was my wonderful night :P it was fun, it was good to let loose and have lots of fun and feel nothing :)

So me and megz went to the movies yesterday for my b-day and saw Water for Elephants. I was a little sceptic about seeing it just because i had read the book and usually when that happens i end up hating the movie ( twilight) lol. But no this movie was good, so cute, it wasn't that close to the book but i think they did a pretty good job keeping the story line close. When the end of the movie was coming up me and megz got all teary eyed lol we are such big saps i swear lol. Probably doesn't help that every stinking time a see a movie with rob in it i miss he who shall not be named more damn it. but anyways when we left i grabbed one of those movie magazines that they always have there and flipped through it when i got home and discovered something....Rob is going to be in T.O this summer so not cool, not we are both bummed out cuz me and her where supposed to go but aren't and now we really want to go cuz we want to see him...ugh drool lol hes so hot haha id rape him k lol im not the only one that would megz would too. :P. Rape him with our eyes hahahhhaha :p ah the things my friend says :P but ya its so not fair cuz if we knew before he was going to be there we so wouldn't have canceled our plans this is bunk....

How can people tell you trust them when they never really give you are reason to...Im so sick of this same crap over and over again with you..when we started talking again we where just supposed to talk like friends but now we aren't. You are telling me things that kill me inside because i crave to have them. You keep telling me if you had your own place you'd still want me to be with you that it would make you happy, that you'd have everything right there and you wouldn't have need for anything else. but why is it that you tell me these things but I can't seem to believe them at all. You say them yet go around missing someone else so much that you say your lonely and hate it that you keep her pics close to you so you can feel happy and giddy inside just looking at her. Then why tell me all you have been and expect me to believe it when I see that, do you know realise how much that hurts, how it feels like you've taken i knife and gamed it inside of my heart and twist it until i feel so much pain that I feel dead...Like honestly what do you want from me? Its either you want me or you don't its that simple, you keep telling me is my choice, its my decision to pick what i want, but the stupid fucken thing is you already know what i fucken want...I WANT YOU, i wanna feel like im the only one you want, i want to for once in my god damn life to feel loved by you. I want to know that what you say to me is true that its not a lie. Because if all you're doing is painting a picture in my head for your own fun stop it, it hurts, you keep pulling on my heartstrings and its painful. I dont want to find out that the only reason why you keep me around is just because i have feelings for you and you like having someone be madly in love with you. I just feel like when you talk to me especially last night you get lost in our world and the moment i leave and the cam or msn shuts off its like you blink away everything and are just sitting there thinking " do i mean what i say or who is that"...its like once im out of the picture im completely forgotten, erased from your thoughts until we speak again......Seeing you makes me light up and you can see it, i try to keep my smiling on a down low to not show you but the moment you flash me your smile im fucked, the moment you look at me im fucked, my whole body felt on fire last night just because i got to see you, it felt so good to but now not so much, now it all felt like a dream like i was trapped in a fantasy that will never come true. I feel like the moment i start to get happy something has to come in and stop it " oh no Megan is getting happy again k lets ruin it"....i want to go see him but would it really be worth it in the end, I don't want to go there and have the time of my life and then come home and see him just talk about someone else because that might just kill me this time......................why must being in love with someone be so fucken hard.................................i don't know why it was always so hard to say you love certain people, if they dared you to write somewhere you loved them you'd do it but with me you wouldn't even change your facebook status..one of the things that gets to me is that i've known him the longest and out of all the girls im the oldest too. Like i feel he can't be real with me cuz im his age or something i just dont get it, is it because im not 16 or 18 is it because im 21 you just can't be open and real with me ugh.............

What the hell is wrong with me. I keep digging this whole and emptiness bigger and bigger every fucken day I talk to him. I swore to my self I was never going to let him back in but no, he has to say stupid shit again to get me to start thinking again just maybe. I don't know why I punish my self like really can't I see that he misses her and wants her even if he says he won't once everything is done. That's total bull shit because if it where true why blog about how much you miss them and crap. Fuck me I feel so stupid, I'd give the whole fucken world to this guy and for what just so he can Tare me down and damage me more then he already has. Fuck my life, why am I so stupid to keep believing he means what he says. I fucken feel like a back up plan ugh. Why god do I do this why fuck fuck fuck........why can't I just open my eyes and see the truth ugh..

I swear can anything else go wrong this week I'd like to know. First off I've been feeling super sick for four days straight thinking it might be because of my new birth control. I've been throwing up having the shits like really. I had to miss work because of it ugh. And now yesterday when I finally decide ok I'm not feeling so sick I can go back to work well Frick I should have just stayed in bed. I got ready for work in record time for once I wasn't running behind on time. I get to work almost no one is talking to me guess it's because I wasn't there for to days I don't know whatever fuck. So I put my stuff away count the tills and the start counting inventory then I get interrupted so I can go and get king size chocolate for the front. Of course the bars I need where down aisle six where they don't belong and where piled with boxes onto of them. So I grabbed my friend and asked her to help me. When I went to reach for the box that was way up high I guess I pulled something because I felt shooting pain down my neck and left shoulder. Tears just pored out of my eyes fuck did it hurt. I got off the ladder and went and sat down. My manager told me to go home so I packed up and headed home which was painful trying to put my jacket on and walk home. When I got home my mom called my doc and got me an appointment for two thirty. When I got to the docs they examined me and told me that I sprained a neck muscle and my rotary muscle in my left shoulder. Isn't that bloody fanfuckentastic. So now I cant really move my neck or yawn because it hurts like a bitch. And now on top of everything else my ears are hurting. I think they might be infected isn't that lovely. Can this month/year end please and thank you....

I wish for one more day with you. If I had any wish at all, I'd wish to see you one last time. If I knew I was about to die because of a sickness and was granted one wish it would be to be flown to where ever you are. I'd love to spend one more day just lost inside of you, to forget the past and just focus on that one small moment. I wish I could have your arms wrapped around me holding me tight to you making me feel so loved in that one instant. I want to look into those troubled yet beautiful brown eyes of yours and be lost in the wonders of them. I want to ruffle you hair and hear you laugh again and hear you be joyful. I wanna feel your heart beating beneath my hand while you sleep. I wanna touch that scruffy face of yours that I Love so much and see you smile back. Id love to brush my lips against your just once more. I wish I could take away your pain and make things right for you. I hate seeing you suffer so. I want to see you happy even if it's not with me. I'd sacrifice my heart and happiness just to see you happy and living. I couldn't even imagine a life without you in it. You're broken and troubled but very loved by people that you don't even realize do. My wish would be for you to be happy in life and for you to not listen too all those fools who keep trying to bring you down. You are strong just believe in your self and you can do anything in life. I believe in you and always will even if the rest of the world gives up on you. You have the power to change peoples lives and I would know because you have forever changed mine :).....just have a little faith in your self...

I'm still that lonely girl waiting for you to take my hand and let go and leap into the unknown with me. I've been waiting for you to finally step close enough to reach out and grab me but every time your getting closer you pause and take a step back. Why must you always keep me standing there alone waiting for the day you take the risk and let me in. Why do i keep holding my breath every time your close to me? Why do I keep waiting for my dream to come true when it never will, not with you.. My hand is outstretched just waiting for someone to pull me out of the cloudiness and darkness you have left behind. I can't see or speak nor think or sleep. I'm a zombie just standing in a crowded room where everyone is happy. I'm empty and miserable without your light.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to die? Lately I have been wondering, I've been thinking about death a lot lately and what it would be like to not exists anymore. I wonder what it be like to watch my death unfold and see my funeral. I wonder how many people would show up and how many would care that I was gone forever. I'd like to see how loved I was when I didn't feel it. I wonder what it feels like not to feel dead inside anymore. To not feel depressed, like the whole world is going to come crashing down on you any moment and there isn't anything you can do about it. That your watching your life unfold before your very eyes but your powerless to stop it. It feels like your suffocating to death, that you can't breath or think or feel a thing. I wonder if you'd feel weightless, light as a feather just floating across time invisible to the world below.

This life is supposed to be the best thing there is, that your supposed to be glad and thankful that your alive every single day. The thing is what if you feel so dead inside that you secretly wish you where dead so you wouldn't have to feel anymore. No more pain or sadness, no more hole in your chest. Ya people may say to me oh get over it, it's not the end of the world but sorry guys but to me it does...How can you even live when you don't feel like your even alive most days, like your walking around in a crowded room and no one knows your even there..I thought i was getting better but im not im drowning in emotions, emotions i caused because i was stupid fml..i seriously wish there was a way you could replace your heart and forget the things that are killing you. i wanna rip mine out of me right now and never look at it again because really thats the only thing i can think of doing to get better and start living....i cant breath or think or sleep, i feel sick very day...god damn it what is wrong with me i think i need help maybe i should go see a shrink maybe it will help me.....

I know what it's like to look in a mirror and see disappointment and hatred, to see a person looking back at you you don't even recognize. You see a figure that worthless and will never achieve anything in life. Someone who is a wast of space and time, that you shouldn't even bother with because they are fucked in the head so stay away because they will cause you to have headache and pain. Every person who looks in the mirror always sees someone looking back who they aren't proud of or that people hate or think are worthless or fat or ugly. The thing is you've got to stop looking at the person staring right back at you and see what's inside of you...I know what it's like to feel dead inside and feel worthless, it's a crappy feeling, one no one should ever feel. I know it's hard to believe when people say to you that your amazing the way you are because you just can't see it for your self. For me sometimes I still don't believe it but I have people in my life that have changed the way I'm starting to see things and accept my self the way I am. Some days it's easier then others but everyday it gets a little bit easier. One day someone will walk into your life and change you forever, the. Maybe from that day on you'll look in the mirror and see you staring back just the way you are flaws and all. :)

this song just speaks for everyone i swear....

Everyone in this world is always looking for perfection, perfect looks, perfect boy, perfect life but the thing is perfection doesn't exists. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder, everyone on this planet is perfect in their own unique way whether it be the way you look or who you are as a person. Everyone is different but amazing, people don't realize that they have the power to change peoples lives for just simply being who they are. The world it self isn't perfect so why do we always try to perfect our selves to please others? There is no one who can say to you that you aren't perfect or an outcast, be proud hold your head up for being different. Being different isn't a curse it's a gift, a gift that only you know what to do with it.Love all your faults for they make you who you are, they are a part of what makes you special and loved by others. You are perfect to the people around you no matter what you do in life so don't ever forget that....:)

Be proud to be who you are cuz you are a gift from the heaves to all the people who had the privilege to meet you and have you in their lives no matter how long it may have been.....

I can't breath or sleep. You walked back into my life when I was finally starting to let you go and move on but now, with everything you are saying hurts me to my core. You say you still want me but is that even true? Do you really care if I walked away from you right now and never looked back? Why do I still care and worry about you? I lay in bed asking god to keep you safe and make sure you're safe, and I never pray. Why must I still love you and miss you when you're with someone else. You're a wreak, a mess your life is spiraling out of control and you don't know how to deal with it. You've become greedy and selfish and self absorbed. You only care about you feelings then anyone else's, you don't think about the consequences of your actions nor do you think about the effect you have on those people. I wish you'd grow up and learn, I wish you had a better life right now, I wish I was what you truly wanted. Because I truly wanted you forever and always, yes I may have not known you all that much but I got to learn about you and love you anyways. I always wanted to be a girl you could have been proud of, someone who you could say to the world that's right guys she's mine and I love her. I care to much about you to cast you away forever, I want to be a part of you life but I don't know if I'm emotionally ready. You have ruined me for all of eternity, you are a plague I can't cure, my own personally demon I can't face down....I just don't know what to think or do anymore when it comes to you, my lost cause, my hopeless hero, a guy who is domed for all of eternity.....yet I still love you and would stick by your side as a friend... Oh lord what has become of
me?...

.

I woke up this morning so refreshed, feeling so much better thank god :)i finally realise women what is wrong with you, you saved your self from a stupid guy who cant do anything with his life and who isnt trying to prove anyone wrong when they say things like that to him. Im so done with stupid guys who keep blaming their childhood on how they are now, life is what you make of it now. Learn from what happened and do better instead of re living the past cuz its not gonna get you anywhere in life. Its time for me to change and not keep trying to build up the guys i know. I'm done with that, i want a real man who knows who he is and what he wants. Im done time to let go and forget the lies that where said and move on to a better future :). Any who...I feel super bad for my brother cuz things with his girlfriend arent going so well and it sucks, i know im not a big fan of her and think he deserves someone so much better but i dont like seeing him sad it sucks. Its not like i can go see him and cheer him up cuz he lives to far damn it :(. I'm just hoping things for him get better soon....What else is there thats new well hmm I love Michel from work lol god I love that kid he so makes my day at work hes the best i so wanna pinch his little cheeks lol. So adorable i swear, hes so smart for a 18 year old boy lol, ill miss him when I leave work cuz hes awesome and ive been working with him for like two and a half years. He told me how he met his girlfriend and it was such a cute story :) they are super cute together its awesome. I went to the circus tonight which was ok a little disappointing but I still had lots of fun with my friend. Bought a light sword and a jester hat lol so kool right :P. But there was this brat sitting in front of me and he totally sticked out his tongue at me and gave me the hand...like seriously kids are evil lol....but thats it for now im tired and i shall go pass out now so night to all my readers :)

Everyone around me thinks right now that im strong and happy, but its not true. Every day when I wake up i have to drag my ass out of bed cuz i didn't sleep much. I wake up and get ready to go to work and put on a fake face that says "hey guys what's up, im so happy" but in all honesty im dying inside lately. I was so fueled by anger and frustration that things never really set in that things are really over for good, that he really doesnt give a shit about me anymore that ive been cast aside. Now that I've realised that I cant breath, sleep or think. Im a zombie most days, I go around talking and acting fine when im not. My friends keep telling me oh dont worry Megan things will get better and hes an ass so dont wast your time on him. But the thing is ive given two and a half years to him already, its hard to just shrug this off and walk away untouched. I wish i was the type of girl who could just forget and move on and leave it behind me and look forward to the future but im not. Guys talk to me and all im doing in think about him and wishing it was him. Like FUCK what is wrong with me. Why can't I let this go already. Its been almost three weeks and I haven't slept much. I dont care if he reads this and laughs and says im a fuck up, i really dont. the fact of the matter is that i dont want to let this go i dont want to forget him. I want him as anything, just having a part of him would be nice. Just having him care about me even a little would be nice. I maybe stupid when it comes to this but i cant help it. Hes hurt me bad but i still care about him no matter what.....I just wish someone could rip out my heart and get rid of the problem once and for all..........

So i've been super unlucky for the last past couple of weeks which totally suck i might add :(. I keep dropping shit, i feel empty inside, work is being a total bitch ( whats new hahah). But then tehehe i finally got some good luck, my friend Krystal decided she'd go with me to the circus which im super excited!!!!! cuz ive never been ( crazy i know)...Then i went to the Forks ( an old train station that now has restaurant and shops, its the best place in Winnipeg) and visited my Chinese store cuz i always do i go say hi to the lady that owns the store and shows me whats new. They had this pretty new yellow jade dragon necklace that i fell in love with but sadly was $50.00 :(. But the lady said to me " you always come shop here and even when you dont you at least stop by and ask me how I am, you are a valued customer so im going to give it to you for $35.00" I was like "NO WAY" that was super sweet i love her to pieces shes so nice :). After that i found new plugs :) cheetah print teheheh super hot grrr :p. That was the best part of my week, but my ear is still killing me i think i might have to change the earring cuz i think my ear is rejecting this one :( stupid ear how i hate you .......Im really hope tomorrow i get good news at my ortho about my braces, i hope i get them off my b-day cuz that be the best b-day gift ever...well there would be a way better gift if something else happened but it aint so i'll take my braces getting off :p maybe then i can attract a guy lol someone who doesnt find me too old '_'...

Ugh seriously its 5:05 am and I'm tired as fuck. I couldn't fall asleep last night, I kept moving, couldnt find a comfy spot at all. I'm so tired this morning that when I took a shower I almost used shampoo to wash my self hahah. Wow I'm going to be useless at work today, this shall be entertaining. I think its cuz i was so excited to finally find someone who'd go to the circus with me on sat. Teheheh so excited :)....

An old man once said ...There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living. ~ this is so true, life may bring you down sometimes but you must pick your self back up even though sometimes you rather not. Life isnt always easy, its a pain in the ass but there is always a brighter tomorrow :) i'm trying to live by these words. I my be sad but soon the pain will pass and i'll be whole again i just got to keep believeing that there is something better out there just waiting for me:)

so whats new with me lately well lets see...hmmmm well this week i went to the Titanic exhibition which was AMAZING, i so loved it. It so made me in the mood to watch the movie though. Honestly I shouldn't have been allowed in the gift shop cuz i spent a little too much money ooops :P. I also went with my bestie to the mall and took funny pics in the photo booth teheheheh so priceless. We are crazy ass girls i tell ya always snapping pics :p. So glad to have her in my life to keep me going and smiling :). Then the next day me and her when to her friends place to get our piercings lol so entertaining i tell ya. I so made her good first :p im so bad but hey they are her friends so ya..when she was finally done i got my second hole in my ears done which wasnt so bad except for my right ear, that one hurt a bit more and now its itchy as all hell ugh. Then I was brave enough to get my nose done again and boy did i swear this time around cuz it hurt like a bitch, plus it didnt help that she had to clamp my nose so she could get the needle through. Now though my nose doesnt hurt it does feel numb though weird...oh well...i think thats pretty much it really...my life hasnt changed all the much, just waiting to see what going to happen about my trip either T.O still or maybe New York City..who knows just waiting.......

Man I'm so excited about today, i cant wait till this day is over. Because I'm getting my nose done and my ears teheheheh. I'm so pumped, this is going to cheer me up that's for sure I cant wait. At least something good will happen this week :)

Fuck seriously id be great I need sleep, i can't seem to be able to. Saturday i had stayed up until five in the morning and couldn't put my mind to rest thanks to stupid crap. Then Sunday all hell broke lose on me so that was exciting, i got so fueled by anger that I couldn't sleep until after twelve and I had to be up and five. Now last night I was so so so tired that I thought I would pass out but no. I tried to sleep from 8:00pm but couldn't settle my mind sadly. Fuck sakes like really brain can you just forget everything please. I'm tired of closing my eyes and having nightmares like I cant take it, I need sleep to be able to function.....:( please kill me...or knock me out cold so I can sleep lol either one would be nice.

People always tell me when you love someone you just know, you feel it in the core of your being, but sadly sometimes you fall in love with the wrong people. The people who you know with dick around with your feeling cuz it makes them feel more like a man. And stupid me I am one oh those people who gave their heart to the wrong person. This guy was someone who I thought was amazing and troubled and I wanted to give him another change to make me believed he changed but boy was I wrong. He haddent changed at all he just changed his game play, told me everything I wanted to hear cuz he knew he was my weakness. I fought with my friends and my mother over him. I told him my deepest secret that I've been holding on for like 13 years but i trusted him enough to tell him. He knew how i felt about him he knew i was in love with him and he knew why i am the way I am when it comes to guys. So for him to do this to me again and expect me to stay his friend are you fucken kidding me like wtf shit head. You told me you loved and that you wanted to live with me and have a future with me then I find out you're in love with another girl like WTF and a girl who happened to be you Ex Fiances friend like whats wrong with you. She didn't want you cuz she was taken and that's why you went for me I was her replacement. But cuz i was throwing shit in you face over and over again you went after someone new who now you say you love. Fuck you Buddy you love every fucken girl you meet. You really don't know what the meaning of love is, you are stone cold and heartless...I was a fool to give you my heart again cuz i knew what you'd do with it. You always say things are different and that things will get better but they never will with you. You think you are gods gift to women or something but your not. Because you've been hurt in the past you think its ok to hurt girls cuz of it. Living that way wont get you anywhere in life you can think I'm nuts or on something but i really don't care what you think of me. I took my heart back from you and dusted it off and put it back where it belongs. I may hurt for a bit but you will never ever see another tear come from my eyes cuz of you cuz i didn't lose anything, you lost someone who really cared about you with everything they had and you throw it away so that's your problem. You want to be an asshole then go right a head. We could have been friends if you would have been up from and honest about things but you weren't so GO FUCK YOUR SELF YOU SELFISH SON OF A BITCH....you will never know what its like to love someone....I know that this one isnt the last cuz you will move on when things get bad and end up cheating on her too cuz thats how you are one girl is never good enough for you and it never will be. Once a player always a player. So have fun with your life......

Ugh seriously I shouldn't be allowed to drink cuz every time I do I get lonely and end up missing someone like crazy. All I wanted to do last night when I got home was pass out but i was wishing he was there so I could pass out in his arms and sleep and just bury my head in his chest..But sadly that didn't happen i went home to a empty bed that only occupied my pillows. Pillows just doesn't cut it from me anymore and i hate it. I hate seeing couples and know i cant be in one, it sucks balls and its lame :(.....I wanna get my own place and move out and see how life goes for me after that cuz this i cant take anymore, i cant take this being at home anymore. I have this itch that i cant scratch..This pull to leave and do something new with my life..

Man last night was so funny and interesting :P Me and my girl took off by 8:00pm to go to Dylan's, thank god when we got there, there wasn't a line cuz fuck we were freezing. Dylan's was interesting it was the first time I've ever been there so ya. When you go in it looks more like a club then a pub which was kindda disappointed not going to lie. It didn't feel Irish like my regular place does. The booze was way more expensive there then it is at Shannon's so that suck and then they ran out of my drink :(. The best part of that place tho is that it was way bigger and holy shit all the good looking guys in Winnipeg are hiding there and most of the people that where there where dressed pretty out there like me so i didn't feel like such a dork hahah:P. The music sadly suck so it wasn't the best place to go. Me and my friend so sat in the wrong place at the beginning cuz hahahaha there were these drunk girls that decided to move a tree out of their way and while they tried to do that while being drunk dropped in on me and her hahah ya that's right we got attacked by a tree in a pub :p A few guys commented on my hair lol and hit on me which is so weird why the hell is it if I wear a wig and a green one at that I get hit on go figure makes no sense to me. After a while we got bored there so we took of to the Tavern across the street, that is when the entertainment started XD. We got in free of charge which was AWESOME! It was so packed tho but we managed to find a table so that was good. I had my last drink of the night so ya. We didn't stay too long there either cuz us being lame asses started to get tired so when got out of the Tavern which btw is attached to Canad Inns so we went to the lobby to call a taxi. When we were waiting for them to pick us up there was a bunch of guys just standing around waiting for their own taxi. This Asian guy from the group comes up to us and says "hey i love your hair its awesome and your crown in super cute" :p. It was super funny me and Megz couldn't stop laughing. While we wait one of his friends opened the door to ask us if we thought he was a smooth operator hahahah or a bit of a creeper. We said no to the first question and a little bit to the second one :P after he left us alone we saw a cab coming so we rushed outside and almost fell on our butts hahah so not fun. But when we got to it it took off cuz some retard from the pub scared him off so not impressed fuck. Went back inside and the guys started talking to us again haha they were awesome so made our night. They where like is that your real hair and kept touching it and asking me a bunch of questions lol they where so fucken funny :P pure entertainment......oh boys i tell ya when they are drunk XD.....

Oh boy, I shouldn't be allowed to talk about things at work with Megz hahah. Telling her about my last trip to T.O but my face just went super red ugh it was crazy. Of course then I had a stupid goofy grin on my face until the end of my shift. Thanks girl geez hahahah. Now im really looking forward to going this summer, should be lots of fun, way more this time around seeing as im going with a friend wooohoo. First trip away from Winnipeg with one.....SO EXCITED HEHEHHEHEHEH. I so want it to be July right now fuck :P. Get to chill with my Bestie and go exploring :, maybe see Sam if i go early enough. Pretty pumped tho if I can cuz I think it be awesome :) id love to meet her hheheheh. And to spend time with someone else and maybe see my uncle if he isn't too busy with work that is...

Do you stay awake at night thinking about me?
Do I ever cross your mind?
Do you think about the future? and if I'm in yours?
Do you just randomly wish I was with you when you see couples?
Do you wonder what I'm thinking about during the day?
Do you wonder what I'm up to when I'm not talking to you?
Do you wonder if I'm angry with the things you say?
Do you believe me when I say I love you?
Do you believe me when I say I'm in this for good, that I never wanna leave your side again.
Do you trust me with your heart? that I'll never do anything to hurt you.
DO you believe me when I say you mean the world to me, that I cant see my life without you in it.
Dose your heart pickup when I say I love you?
Does your heart race when I talk to you and tell you how happy i am to know you?
Do you get excited about the fact that you'll see me soon?
Do you wish I was I was in your arms right now?
Do you wish I was yours as much as I wish you where mine?
Do you wish you could see me now?
DO you wish you could kiss me again and hold me close?
Do you wish you could wake to my face in the morning and see me smiling back at you?
DO you?????..........

So this morning was pretty awesome i must say :). I woke up at five started to get ready for work and checked facebook like i do every morning (lame yes) but now has become routine hhaha. The i saw who was on and i got excited to totally logged on to msn haha even tho i was supposed to be getting ready for work oh well :P. I had a great conversation with that person lol so made my day it was the best, i so didnt want to get off and go to work but seeing as i wasn't really paying attention to the time i was running behind to leave for work ooops my bad :p so i had to rush out the door thank god i only live ten minutes away from work so i wasn't that late..Ugh but when i got to i had so much crap to do and it sucked..oh well right i suck it up everyday and deal...but my bestie totally made my day better by telling me that her friend got her nose piercing kit in so now i can get my nose redone WOOHOO and at the same time my second hole on my ear done too, im so excited teheheh :D. When and ran some errands after work stopped at Chapters before going home and bought Water for Elephants which i heard is good so i thought id give it a read even tho i still got a million of other books to finish heheheh. I such a book nerd i swear im surprised i came out with only one book today and surprised i didn't drop by HMV lol but i will be doing that tomorrow tho with my bestie gotta see whats new there. I love that store i swear. After doing that and getting some food to eat i headed home and played with my puppy and talked to him again and it went really good tonight i think I'm starting to feel better about things kinda, I'm just trying not to pin all my hope on things to much cuz i know I'll get hurt bad if i do so ya.. that is all really...

You know what i hate most, i hate when people are having a bad day and take it out on the people who are just trying to be nice to them like wtf so sorry I'm trying to be nice to you even though your being snappy..ugh i hate when people get in one of "their moods" where don't ask them anything cuz BAM they well be on you ass like there is no tomorrow. Ugh its so frustrating im just trying to be nice and make conversation i don't mean to pry into you personal business or anything im just trying to find something to talk about with geez. I swear i cant do anything right anymore like i should just fuck off and leave them alone for good and not bother them cuz that's all i feel like i am a bother..i hate feeling like that cuz i part of me feels like it dies when they get frustrated with me or snappy..maybe i should just stop asking questions and but out of everything and just whatever...I don't know what to do anymore fuck I'm so lost.......................I should just stop being emotionally attached to people and just play it cool cuz being like this and always spilling my heart out there isn't getting me anywhere right now sadly and i hate it..i hate feeling this way. one minute things are fine and then the next they aren't ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......

People are always wondering why i take your crap or why i am the way i am or why i still care about you? there are so many answers i could tell these people but even then i don't think they would get it. To answer the first question why i take hes crap or anyone else for that matter well ill tell ya..When i care about someone i don't just want to give up on them cuz of a stupid fight or cuz they have lied to me..i always try to see the good in everyone even though yes i know i shouldn't cuz normally i end up getting hurt but i don't care. I like being there for people when i know they need me to be. i care about people more then i should and i know that but i just cant give up on people that's just the way i am. I didn't give up on my friend for 11 years even though we stopped talking for awhile cuz i knew that we would fix things one day and that's what happened. just like with the guy i care about him and I'll always be there for him no matter what our past was like cuz i love him and that's that. to answer the second question why i am the way i am well that's easy. I was born this way, i was always so scared to do anything always so worried what people thought about me. I always thought i was too ugly or too fat to dress the way i wanted to or be the way i wanted too until i met the people i have in my life now. My besties Megz and Rina and SH changed my life forever. Rina was the first person to accept me when i moved here, Megz befriended me when i had no one else in my life and SH tough me to love myself no matter what people say or think. Thanks to all these people I finally stick up for myself and dyed my hair red with black in it, got a tattoo and stretched out my ears and become a bit punky lol. its always how i wanted to be so I'm doing it on my own terms. I found people who have accept me for me and in turn i have accepted them for how they are as people. Now for the last question why i still care about you well here goes nothing lol. I still care about him cuz being around him is like a breath of fresh air. When I'm around him its so easy like I've known him forever like we are old friends. Hes just so easy to be around its crazy..Hes the first guy I've ever been able to open up to and be my self with. I can get mad at him and call him names but he'd still be there for me, i mean what kind of guy would put up with all your bullshit and still stick around you? He know why i don't trust guy and why i am the way i am he knows everything there is to know about me and he accepts it and its wonderful. I love being able to just be me with him. Hes my best guy friend who I've fallen in love with. Even if I'm not the one he wants then so be it, ill deal with it cuz i rather have him in my life as a friend then not have him in my life at all so ya..i think I've answered all the question to the best of my knowledge if i think about more ill write more to this but this is all i can think of at the moment....